Three reasons to support Trump/Kamala

Walter's thoughts on the 2024 Presidential Election

The election is in just a few days, and all of you people are once again insisting that this is the most important election of our lifetimes.

I find this framing bizarre, because it seems to me that this is straightforwardly the least important election of my lifetime, perhaps with the exception of Clinton vs. Dole which happened when I was three. But let’s indulge the conventional narrative and pretend the result on Tuesday actually matters.

In this article I’ll offer some big-brained analysis to help undecided voters make a decision. Below are three reasons to support Trump and three reasons to back Kamala.

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Trump I - It gets the fat old retard out of the way

In early 2023 I was really excited about Ron DeSantis.

Not only had the guy shown tremendous energy and administrative competence leading my beloved Florida through Covid while Trump was asleep at the wheel—he’d squared off against Sleepy Joe over vaccine mandates and won. As a consequence he’d obliterated the Florida Democrat Party in the 2022 midterms, on the very same night we lost two entirely winnable Senate races because Blumpf had intervened in the primaries in support of Dr. Oz and some washed up sportsball player with a 73 IQ.

Trump was a fading star and DeSantis was doing everything right, and for a few weeks there was a legitimate case to be made that he was the de facto leader of the national GOP. If he could keep up this momentum the 2024 Primary was his to lose.

But we all know what happened next: Trump got indicted and my poor governor proceeded to choke like a cub scout at Lindsey Graham’s house.

Had the DeSantis campaign been sensible enough to hire Wally B. when he applied to their ranks they would have known to immediately send the National Guard to fortify Mar-a-Lago and maintain an alpha dog position. But instead Meatball let Trump swallow up all the oxygen in the room and began covering his testicles at every opportunity. First he let Elon fuck up his announcement and then he kept prevaricating on Ukraine, which let Vivek cannibalize his right flank while Haley scoured him from the left. By the end of 2024 it wasn’t clear what his constituency even was, and the one guy who may have had sufficient gravitas to supplant Trump ended up a laughingstock.

Ever since this happened I’ve basically stopped caring about object-level electoral politics. It simply doesn’t make sense to get emotionally invested, because Trump is far too volatile and unreliable to game around, and nothing interesting can happen on the Right while he remains a viable candidate.

One reason for this is that Gen Xers are incapable of projecting real authority, mostly being pretentious and self-absorbed nihilists who don’t believe in themselves or anything really. I’ve given up hope that any of these low energy latchkey kids will ever take down the Orangeman in a direct confrontation; everyone who tries inevitably gets humiliated or coopted. Ultimately it will take Millennial theater kid exuberance to dethrone Boomerism.

And that’s the first reason to vote Trump: if he wins there’s a fairly decent chance the stress will overcome his elderly obese heart and power will pass directly to JD Vance, who’d easily be the best President we’ve had since Nixon.

Failing that Trump will at least be term limited in four years, which means in 2028 we can actually have a substantive conversation about the future of the Right. Sure there’s some downside risk that Trump has a falling out with Vance and endorses Tim Scott or something, but merely getting him off the ballot would be a huge step forward.

Meanwhile if Kamala wins you can expect Youngkin to be DeSantis 2.0 and we’ll have to go through this insipid rigmarole all over again, only this time with a retarded octogenarian Trump that’s even harder to defend at Thanksgiving.

On the other hand…

Kamala I - She’s a useless diversity hire

A lot of people on the Right despise Kamala Harris because she’s a lazy incompetent diversity hire who attained the highest reaches of power mostly by having sex with an old man and cynically juicing the modern Left’s bizarre worship of black women.

But this is an incredibly small-brained reason to hate someone. Kamala is simply responding to incentives and arbitraging market inefficiencies in the same way my boys in the Tortuga Society are, and it turns out she’s really fucking good at this.

In fact, Kamala is probably more effective at deploying asymmetric life strategies than literally anyone I can think of. Consider that homegirl has a 50% chance of becoming the most powerful person on the planet despite being a painfully mediocre politician who never prepares for interviews and constantly appears spun out on Xanax; has a horrendous staff attrition rate; spent the past four years as a universally despised cartoon of a Vice President; and got hilariously clobbered out of the 2020 primaries by a backbencher meme candidate like Tulsi Gabbard.

She’s kind of a joke. And yet she has a decent shot at riding those laughs all the way to the White House, because contra chud rightoids, Kamala definitely isn’t dumb. She’s just horribly lazy, which paired with her insane ambition makes her ruthlessly efficient.

Because honestly, why *should* a beautiful and vivacious young woman hustle and grind to gain a foothold in politics when she can achieve basically the same result by way of Willie Brown’s brown willie?

Why *should* she run a competently executed campaign for President when she can get there a lot more easily by being better at counting calories than Stacey Abrams?

Kamala is someone who has always taken the easy way out, but unlike the rest of us so inclined she does so without a lick of shame or hesitation, and for that I honestly salute her. Hell, there’s even a sense in which I feel great affection for Madame Coconut, because it’s precisely because of gals like her that I don’t have to be physically attractive or nice to people to get laid. Kamala is every low maintenance realtor on Seeking Arrangement plus maybe ten or fifteen IQ points.

Also all you rightoids who are terribly afraid she’s going to be some sort of nefarious race communist because of her positioning in 2019 are deluding yourselves and clearly have never worked for a lazy incompetent black woman before.

I have. And believe me, Kamala doesn’t hate the White man. She thinks he cute! She also genuinely appreciates it when he does her work, and will pull him up the ladder with her so she can keep being lazy and failing upward. She isn’t some meanspirited old harridan like Hillary or Liz Warren—she’s an adorably corrupt and deviously coquettish wine aunt who loves white cock.

Diversity hires don’t actually want to think about things, and Kamala doesn’t have any real beliefs other than being Pro-Kamala. In the same way Trump outsourced policy to his sinister semitic son-in-law, Kamala is certain to hand off everything to a coterie of homosexual eunuchs controlled by centrist Jews like Matt Yglesias and Ezra Klein. Those guys are vehemently opposed to antiwhite excesses because they’ve come to understand woke shit just makes chuds in Kansas hate them. These Jews don’t want to replace us—they simply want to build houses and semiconductor factories.

So no, chud, a Kamala administration won’t throw you in Gitmo or something. She’ll give you first term Obama vibes and second term Clinton policy, plus lots of hilarious scandals and shade throwing. Part of me is honestly tempted to vote Kamala just because she’s bound to hire a bunch of other sassy black women who ultimately defect on her and write tell-all memoirs about the Brat snorting lines off the Resolute Desk.

But on that note…

Trump II - He won’t start WWIII

When we consider the role of President it behooves us to consider both the substantive and performative aspects of the job.

Obviously both Trump and Kamala are atrociously unqualified for the substantive part purely on their own merits, but that doesn’t really matter because Trump will just let Vance or Elon or some pink-cheeked chamber of commerce guy delegate for him, while Kamala will let Fatty Yglesias make all her decisions.

In practice we’re electing a monarch more than a prime minister. And I’m not even remotely opposed to that, because as

Kryptogal (Kate, if you like)

has pointed out, this mindset actually makes a lot of sense given how American politics are structured. The two skillsets are totally different. There’s a reason CEO and COO are different roles.

We remember JFK and Reagan as great leaders mostly because they were fantastic emperors, even if their administrative skills were somewhat lacking in comparison. Even GWB was genuinely quite kingly in the wake of 9/11, which is why his historical reputation is bound to exceed anything his atrocious governance deserves.

To some extent the most important quality a leader of an organization can have is toughness, firmness, and the ability to force external parties to take you seriously. And it’s true that Trump is kind of a retarded blowhard who burns through staff faster than Sleepy Joe burns through synapses, but he had a reasonably successful foreign policy (the one bright spot of his admin IMO) because he is genuinely charismatic and good at shuffling the deck. Our allies and adversaries certainly hated him a lot more than they do Biden, but they at least respected him enough not to rip the world asunder under his watch. Meanwhile ever since Afghanistan it’s been fox in the henhouse.

The simple fact of the matter is that Kamala isn’t going to inspire nearly as much fear as Trump. That’s partially because she’s a woman, but not entirely; Maggie Thatcher did the job and Hillary probably could have as well. But Xi and Putin are going to dismiss Madame Coconut as an airheaded prostitute and that basic lack of respect will make it that much harder for her to achieve crucial geopolitical outcomes.

On the other hand…

Kamala II - It will set back feminism and DEI

One of the most absurd facets of American politics is its heavily thermostatic nature.

Most swing voters are perpetually aggrieved dullards who automatically grant moral legitimacy to whichever side is currently out of power. Combined with an increasing tendency toward gridlock and an inability to pass truly sweeping policy reforms, this creates a cultural environment where it actually feels better to be the opposition party.

This impact is even more pronounced at a cultural level than on a practical politics level—consider that two terms of Bush resulted in New Atheism, two terms of Obama created the Alt Right, Trump mainstreamed Wokeism, while Biden has amplified a Vitalist disdain for gerontocracy. This inexorable reality is why any enemy of feminism and DEI should probably want Kamala to win.

She herself may be the furthest thing from a radical Frankfurt School type, but if she’s President a bunch of dumb rednecks and Mexicans and Muslims will invariably get mad that a woman is president and start aggressively hating on anything with the faintest whiff of feminism, and this energy can eventually be sublimated into useful policy changes by a Vance or Vivek type.

Same thing applies on the racial side—a Kamala victory is almost certain to make white people more racist down the line, even if she pursues conciliatory first term Obama policies. Then like Obama she’ll legitimately become more antiwhite as she gets annoyed by this, and this will give white advocates a legitimate basis to mobilize against affirmative action and replacement-level immigration.

American politics are really just an asinine Chinese finger trap, and the key to succeeding is timing this dynamic to work for you.

At the same time…

Trump III - He’ll depolarize America

If Trump wins on Tuesday it won’t be thanks to culturally moderate and economically populist secular northern blue collar guys like in 2016, nor because of white wahmen in the suburbs of Phoenix and Atlanta who he lost in 2020 but won back this year.

I mean, it might be in some very autistic numerical sense, but that certainly won’t be the narrative all the talking heads are spinning. It’s too boring—too old hat.

What they’ll fixate on instead are the Gen X Puerto Rican guys who hate black people and biracial Zoomers who hate women, who listened to Blumpf on Joe Rogan and are reliable GOP voters now. Should Trump win, the narrative de jure for the next few years is going to be Democrats having lost the Andrew Tate Vote.

This will force the Dems to either abandon the worst excesses of their anti-male positioning (imagine if instead of Tim Walz we got someone like Jim Webb) or make even more of an explicit appeal to white suburbanites. The latter route may require leaning into some racist dogwhistles against their melanated young defectors, which could create an intriguing opportunity for guys like Spencer and Hanania (though he could break either way) and even your wily Uncle Walt to rebrand as firm Democrats defending the sacred honor of (implicitly) white women against the vile Tater Tots.

However it breaks out in the end, this development will be very amusing and is bound to reshuffle the deck in an interesting way that will make race and ethnicity less of a hypersalient factor in American politics.

And I kind of like that idea, because as fun as it is explaining the Minnesota Transracial Adoption Study to normies for the five hundredth time I am presently a lot more concerned about politically castrating selfish old people, properly implementing AGI, curbing dopamine traps, and reforming dysgenic courtship norms before humanity falls into the event horizon of some bleak Wall-E dystopia.

Even still…

Kamala III - She’ll make me money

There’s no escaping the fact that Kamala winning would be great for me personally.

As a right wing pundit and polemicist a Kamala presidency will give me a million times more material to work with, and my ability to be racist and sexist in a funnier and more intelligent way than 99.9% of the population will probably translate to fame and fortune a lot more quickly than it would under a second Trump administration.

Loads of right wing white guys who still earnestly love Trump a lot more than me will grow disenchanted from mainstream institutions and start resenting their corporate bug jobs, and this will only benefit parallel institutions like my Tortuga Society. And sure, if we get *too* successful then Kamala will probably come after me at some point on trumped up fraud charges, but I’m pretty sure I could figure out a way to monetize the street cred that comes with that. Meanwhile my Substack will almost certainly explode if I just put out a new article making fun of her every week, and with our dear Madame Coconut there’s never any dearth of material.

Meanwhile if Trump wins it probably just means four more years of Gerald Ford with racist tweets and a bunch of sinecures for Heritage guys. Not exactly inspiring.

I know this all sounds terribly selfish, but you can bet a lot of other pundits are thinking the exact same thing. At least I’m willing to put my motivations out in the open. At least I’m building parallel institutions that are genuinely helpful to our guys. At least my racist jokes are genuinely insightful and witty. Quite frankly I deserve to be a little selfish at this point and just cynically cash in—my parents are getting old and it’s about time for Cap’n Walt to take a wife.

So if I absolutely HAD to pick between the two of them, I’d honestly pick Kamala, for the simple reason that her incompetence will be more entertaining and put a lot of money in my pocket. If I thought Trump could actually achieve even half of what liberals are afraid of him doing I’d support him in a heartbeat, but in practice he’s just a fat old man who’s a lot better at running for President than actually being President.

Also if we’re being honest I’ve never really forgiven him for January 6th.

Not because he attempted a coup, mind you, but because he half-assed the thing and failed miserably in a way that will make it significantly harder for the next guy.

If Trump weren’t such an incompetent old fuck he might have actually succeeded in overthrowing the American government and establishing himself as dictator, and in that alternate history I’d have been the Orangeman’s most committed follower.

Had it been DeSantis in charge that day things would have been different. But alas, Trump was *just* strong enough to muscle Meatball out of the primary but not nearly strong enough to actually end American democracy, and in that incredibly gay purgatory I can’t be fucked to actually care about this election in any non-ironic sense.

And so I’ll leave my beloved reader with this: vote for whoever the hell you want this cycle, and in a couple years let’s reconvene for an actually interesting discussion.