Sure, I can write about this! My basic summary is along these lines:
--I had my first period at age 11. I remember vividly to this day that I was wearing underwear with Disney pictures on it I was so young.
--I know that my home life was chaotic, and my best friend is constantly pointing out sign and symptoms of CPTSD with me. There's several years of my life before that early menarche where I literally remember Simpsons episodes in way, way more vivid detail than anything that actually went on in my life, like I was constantly dissociating. I joked about this one time with my older brother and he responded completely seriously that watching the Simpsons was "a safe space" from the total chaos around us.
--I also remember a shift in energy with my family roughly around 1995ish. I've gotten up the nerve to ask about it, and my parents kind of tend to blame each other and never give any answers that are satisfactory.
--Since moving to Sioux Falls, I've become more aware of how abnormal the place I grew up was. The guy across the street from me blew up his house when I was 2. I read a substack article about a movie that's incredibly horrifying unless you basically grew up in a 3rd world country-- and then when I watched it, I had the "3rd world" reaction of laughing at it instead of being horrified. I don't know if the stress of growing up in that part of the country contributed to the issue.
--I also remember consistently acting about 2 years younger than I actually was socially through most of the time I was growing up. I tended to have younger friends and get made fun of for having more childish, nerdy interests. I also remember being kind of terrified of the idea of dating as far back as 6th or 7th grade?
--I really have no clue how this happened to me at age 11, but I remember struggling with severe depression for years after that and couldn't explain why. I remember the specific moment that the depression began, though. Every year, the elementary school I went to would have a camp out at a park, and there were specific places in the woods that everyone liked to play in. One of these was "Frog Pond", where we'd wade around catching tadpoles. Another one was "Crayfish Creek". Same idea, lots of wading into the water and interacting with the wildlife. This camp out was a thing I looked forward to every year. Then, in 6th grade, I was already getting my period and couldn't go in the water with the other kids because I was wearing a pad that weekend. To this day, I cry thinking about it. I felt isolated from the other kids even though they didn't know what was going on and I didn't say anything about it. I was the only girl in the entire school dealing with periods, and for a year or two before that I'd had horrible, stabbing pains on my sides as my breasts grew in. I didn't just feel isolated from my childhood friends at that moment; I felt isolated from my entire past and like I was being forced to leave behind a part of my life too soon. I remember leaning into nerdy, tomboyish things after that-- Dungeons and Dragons, video games, sci-fi movies, stupid adult cartoons. I couldn't stand thinking about "girly" stuff a lot of the time. Years later, I would camp at Occupy Wall Street and dress like a boy the entire time and cut my hair short. I hung out with the queerest people in NYC, and peaked with this kind of thing around 2017 when I used they/them pronouns interchangeably with she/her pronouns and identified as "pansexual and solo poly". I absolutely couldn't "own" any kind of "normal", monogamous, straight sexuality despite not really being trans or anything either.
I don't know if I can give any scientific insight on this, but I can certainly write something emotional and talk about what would help me personally open up to the idea of a romantic relationship.
Sure, I can write about this! My basic summary is along these lines:
--I had my first period at age 11. I remember vividly to this day that I was wearing underwear with Disney pictures on it I was so young.
--I know that my home life was chaotic, and my best friend is constantly pointing out sign and symptoms of CPTSD with me. There's several years of my life before that early menarche where I literally remember Simpsons episodes in way, way more vivid detail than anything that actually went on in my life, like I was constantly dissociating. I joked about this one time with my older brother and he responded completely seriously that watching the Simpsons was "a safe space" from the total chaos around us.
--I also remember a shift in energy with my family roughly around 1995ish. I've gotten up the nerve to ask about it, and my parents kind of tend to blame each other and never give any answers that are satisfactory.
--Since moving to Sioux Falls, I've become more aware of how abnormal the place I grew up was. The guy across the street from me blew up his house when I was 2. I read a substack article about a movie that's incredibly horrifying unless you basically grew up in a 3rd world country-- and then when I watched it, I had the "3rd world" reaction of laughing at it instead of being horrified. I don't know if the stress of growing up in that part of the country contributed to the issue.
--I also remember consistently acting about 2 years younger than I actually was socially through most of the time I was growing up. I tended to have younger friends and get made fun of for having more childish, nerdy interests. I also remember being kind of terrified of the idea of dating as far back as 6th or 7th grade?
--I really have no clue how this happened to me at age 11, but I remember struggling with severe depression for years after that and couldn't explain why. I remember the specific moment that the depression began, though. Every year, the elementary school I went to would have a camp out at a park, and there were specific places in the woods that everyone liked to play in. One of these was "Frog Pond", where we'd wade around catching tadpoles. Another one was "Crayfish Creek". Same idea, lots of wading into the water and interacting with the wildlife. This camp out was a thing I looked forward to every year. Then, in 6th grade, I was already getting my period and couldn't go in the water with the other kids because I was wearing a pad that weekend. To this day, I cry thinking about it. I felt isolated from the other kids even though they didn't know what was going on and I didn't say anything about it. I was the only girl in the entire school dealing with periods, and for a year or two before that I'd had horrible, stabbing pains on my sides as my breasts grew in. I didn't just feel isolated from my childhood friends at that moment; I felt isolated from my entire past and like I was being forced to leave behind a part of my life too soon. I remember leaning into nerdy, tomboyish things after that-- Dungeons and Dragons, video games, sci-fi movies, stupid adult cartoons. I couldn't stand thinking about "girly" stuff a lot of the time. Years later, I would camp at Occupy Wall Street and dress like a boy the entire time and cut my hair short. I hung out with the queerest people in NYC, and peaked with this kind of thing around 2017 when I used they/them pronouns interchangeably with she/her pronouns and identified as "pansexual and solo poly". I absolutely couldn't "own" any kind of "normal", monogamous, straight sexuality despite not really being trans or anything either.
I don't know if I can give any scientific insight on this, but I can certainly write something emotional and talk about what would help me personally open up to the idea of a romantic relationship.